cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
