No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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