just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
