How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She announced her abortion via fbk
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
