just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
