I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
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It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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