i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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