Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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