A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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