if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
