so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
