I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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