She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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