someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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