Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
