He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
