It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You are a genius and a whore.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
