Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
