cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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