my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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