opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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