I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
