What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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