How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
false alarm, still single
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