last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.