wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
