They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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