How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
