Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
FUCK WHALES
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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