i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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