Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
