I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize