in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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