i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
