I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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