Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
