Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
