got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
