It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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