I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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