Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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