do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
