i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
