Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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