Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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