I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
