im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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