Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
