She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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