dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
