Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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