So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize