I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
